Body Building for Begginers.
Readers of my previous article have been very succesfull in adding several inches to their arms, and valuable poundage to their bench. But as with any great article and astute minds reading said same, questions arose. Some were from the overweight wanting to be "buff", others were from the skinny wanting to be "hoouge".
But there are plenty of good articles on the web about this. So I now present;
A Guide to Maintaining the Mediocre and Bare Minimum Standard of Physical Ability.
Join a Gym, or Don't.
Makes no real difference. Just becuase you have a membership doesn't mean you have to go. Even if you go it doesn't mean that you have to actually exercise.
30 Minutes a Day.
This is valuable time that your busy schedule just can't find. Much better to spend that valuable time enjoying the stream of refreshing entertainment beamed free to you home daily.
Eat What Ever You Want.
Deep fried icecream tastes good, pork rinds are delicious, vegetables are just empty nutrients.
Don't Snack.
Snacks just aren't filling enough. Discover a new meal between breakfast and brunch.
Prepare Your Meals.
Its a hard choice as to whether to have KFC, McDonalds, Pizza, or a salad. Try combining them all. Remember that salads from McD's contain just as many calories as any of their other meals.
Don't Lift Heavy.
Last thing you want to do is encourage muscle growth. Health and Safety have put in guidelines to help with this.
Hired Help.
Manual labour is best left to the professionals. Mowing, cleaning, weeding, washing, are all difficult and highly skilled jobs that you could never learn to do.
Pets Aren't Your Friend.
Dogs are not mans best friend. They want to go for walks, runs, play games, and be generally active and annoying. If you have to get a pet get a cat, or better yet a budgie. They don't require any work.
Office Work.
The more time you spend sitting every day the better.
Sex.
Try to keep it to a minimum, or let your partner do all the work. Otherwise its too much like exercise.
Try combining it with a meal.
TV Loves You.
The warm glow, the loving smiles, the hours of quality programs. You need to spend more time letting the pretty lights turn your brain to soggy goo that can gradually drain out your ears.
Ignorance is Bliss.
Don't read, don't watch documentaries, watch commercial TV news. Learning stuff could actually make you want to improve yourself.
But what if your doctor has forced you to go to a gym, or be more physically active for your health? Apply the rules above with the following rules.
Personal Trainers are the Shit.
Go to these guys with absolutly no goals or ambitions.
Ignore their peppy enthusiasm, quit every set early.
Do all their recommended exercises (dumbell kickbacks, bicep curls, anything on a fit ball).
Don't worry about achieving anything, they get paid whether you progress or not and couldn't care less about your health.
30 Minutes of Exercise a Day.
Cut this back to 30 minutes of activity. Walking at a slow pace is ideal.
Cut this back to 30 minutes of activity every second/third day. Soon you'll forget you were supposed to do anything.
Only go on days with perfect weather, too hot, too cold, rain, cloudy, all valid excuses.
Real Exercise.
Avoid it like the plauge.
Squats, Deadlifts, Bench, Presses, Chinups, Dips, Running, anything challenging, don't do them.
Post Workout Meal.
Compensate for this extra energy expenditure with post workout meals.
Shakes are ideal, easy to prepare, quick to consume, and can have as many as 3500 calories.
Get a good meal replacement supplement, one that is for bulking. Either that or add sugar to your shake.
Supplements.
Buy all sorts of supplements. NO2 supplements are all the rage at the moment.
Soy is the only protein you want.
Muscle and Fitness articles/adverts are a good guide.
The flashier the add/article, the more it promises, the less it works, the less benefit for you.
Now you too can be the average. Follow the above rules and you will help create/maintain a nation of obese, incompetent, whining, lazy, sloths.
bravenet.com