Facts;

Current music sales figures are the lowest they have ever been.

Marketing of 'artists' does not sell albums, it sells an image.

MTV styled videos are becoming soft porn.

Soft porn has had to become more hardcore.

Hardcore porn is now offering 'singers' parts in 'movies'.

If you have a new girl pop band, a producer, a manager, a record A&R guy, and a pool cleaner what do you have?

a) A new million selling album.

b) A new platnium phenomenon.

c) Scene from the new "Bend over and say Oww!" 'movie'.

d) All of the above.

Gwen hits back.

Apparently I was rather harsh on Gwen Steffani in my interview, and for one reason or another (drugs, natural blonde) she didn't realise. Her lawyers, however, did and have now asked me to clarify my position or face action. They also want the rest of the interview released, not just the Michael Moore version.

Here is their letter;

Sir,

It has come to our attention that your web site has posted an interview with our client, Ms Steffani, that failed to secure the appropriate release papers prior to publishing. We require the full transcript of said and any other materials pertaining to.

In address to the published interview we find these points to be in error;

1. Ms Steffani is a talented vocalist, she is not a singer, as this would imply that she could sing.
2. Ms Steffani has had appreciable success in the music industry, both in her band No Doubt, and in her new solo career, when compared with current sales figures. The fact that industry sales have been below standards set in previous decades does not change current ratings.
3. Marketing is how all music is sold. Ms Steffani requires marketing, and the image required therein, to create sales. This is the same with any artist, especially with the current talent pool, marketing is essential to sell any albums at all.
4. Ms Steffani does know the meaning of the word "incessently" but was under the influence of cocaine at the time and was having problems with her vocabulary.
5. Ms Steffani performs very well in appearance based polls. She is very attractive, especially with her new implants, and once makeup is applied. The polls are direct reflection of the teen voting demographic who have been effectively marketed to.
6. Ms Steffani would have been successfull without the numerous sexual favours she has performed for record company executives. The other artists mentioned were also of equal talent and as such similar levels of success would have been expected without said favours.
7. Ms Steffani denies having sexual relations with you. The implication in the closing lines is erronous. The actions of our client were not of an intimate nature, rather of a marketing nature, as such deemed a favour.

We expect to have your accounts of events and transcripts within 10 working days.

Don't Worry Dear Reader.....

This matter has been dealt with. I have had a sit down with the Steffani camp and was able to explain my position. They have accepted my position and have allowed me to continue with my page.

When dealing with lawyers and 'vocalists' there is a few things that you should do;

• Know the facts
• Don't allow the use of 'legalese'
• Resolve personal issues, they have no place in an argument of this nature
• Be persuasive and friendly

And always carry a pair of these;